BTHE BUREAU OF
UNNECESSARY PAPERWORK

HEADQUARTERS · PUBLIC ENTRANCE

Important things deserve paperwork.

The paperwork does not necessarily have to behave.

Welcome to an impossible little records office that cares very much about ordinary things.

NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC

For too long, animals have remained improperly employed, homes have operated without adequate historical records, and ordinary misconduct has escaped formal citation. The Bureau can no longer overlook these administrative failures.

WHAT THE BUREAU ACTUALLY DOES

You tell us who they are. We make it official.

Send us ordinary photographs and a little testimony about your animal—their habits, talents, objections, favorite compensation, and the job they appear to believe they hold. The Records Office turns those details into a personalized Bureau appointment written especially for them.

OPEN A PERSONNEL CASEMost completed records are released within 2–3 business days.

YOUR COMPLETED FILING

FORM AE-101

Official Personnel File

The full appointment: title, department, duties, findings, commendations, and approved compensation.

FORM AE-102

Certificate of Employment

A display-ready certificate formally recognizing the employee and their highly necessary position.

FORM AE-103

Performance Review

An official evaluation of workplace conduct, strengths, violations, and continued employment prospects.

RECEPTION

You have entered Headquarters.

PUBLIC ASSISTANCE DESK

New cases accepted. Questions answered. Biscuits insufficiently controlled.

OFFICE HOURS
Monday–Whenever.
We take lunch seriously.

FOR ~~AUTHORIZED~~
PERSONNEL

SWINFORDCOMPLIANCEPLEASE DO NOT KNOCK

DEPARTMENT DIRECTORY

Matters currently under Bureau jurisdiction

ROOM 101

Department of Animal Employment

Personnel matters, grievances, and undocumented household labor.

Official Personnel File · $19.99

OPEN A CASE →

ROOM 213

Office of Swinford Compliance

Standards, citations, appeals, and matters currently under investigation.

Citations · Free / from $4.99

REPORT NON-COMPLIANCE →

ROOM 307

Residential Records

Every house has a history. Portions of it may even be true.

DOOR CURRENTLY LOCKED

PUBLIC EMPLOYEE REGISTRY

Recently documented

Public recognition is always opt-in. Private case testimony stays private.

AE-00001 · ACTIVE

Sophie

Director of Scenic Inspections

Very little occurs outside without her knowledge.

AE-00002 · ACTIVE

Kronk

Director of Ground Operations

Current assignment: Website Development.

AE-00003 · ACTIVE

Prince

Director of Mouse Operations

Maintaining household security through vigilant observation and selective intervention.

AE-00004 · ACTIVE

Doc

Director of Strategic Lap Occupation & Perimeter Enforcement

Lap-based surveillance, wildlife notification, and emergency food inspection.

AE-00005 · ACTIVE

Fred

Director of Recreation, Enrichment & Audible Notifications

After-work cuddles, lunch-break morale support, and continuous audible operations.

APPOINTMENT PENDING

Position Open

Jurisdiction remains alarmingly broad.

Species restrictions: none currently identified.

New AppointmentsEmployee of the WeekService AnniversariesSwinford Commendations

PUBLIC NOTICE BOARD

Headquarters continues without adequate supervision.

PN-001 · BISCUIT ACCESS POLICY

Personnel Notice

Crossing out AUTHORIZED on official signage does not constitute an approved policy amendment.

Update: the word “departmental” has also been crossed out.

PN-002 · NEW APPOINTMENT

Kronk

The Department is pleased to announce the appointment of Kronk as Director of Ground Operations.

Current assignment: Website Development.

FACILITIES NOTICE

Office Light

The light in the Office of Swinford Compliance has remained on for an extended period.

Facilities has been advised.
Facilities has declined to enter.

FILE

Choose the appropriate paperwork.

TESTIFY

Tell us about the subject and submit photographic evidence.

INVESTIGATE

Most matters are resolved within 2–3 business days.

RELEASE

Download, print, frame, share, or retain for future disputes.